I'm actually sad today. I miss her very much. I haven't felt this way in a long time. Last time (2nd year), I wasn't ready for a real relationship but I pushed on because I really loved her and I never want to lose her. I'd give up everything to be with her. She doesn't know I like love her. So here I am, thinking of ways to make her mine but, I don't have the guts to. I'm actually crying while writing this post. I can't explain it but, I love her and I feel so pathetic not telling her. I had a lot of chances but my fear of rejection took over me. I'm so stupid!

I met her during early 2009. It was when I'm asking my friend about my other friend's girlfriend. We were going to my friend's cousin's place to chat about it. Then I met her. At first I didn't feel anything for her but.. As days go by, we always talked every night til' 12am or even 1am. We texted each other always. Telling her: "how's love life?", "have you eaten?", "take care", "are you ok?", "can we talk". I cared for her, I always checked up on her seeing if she's ok. Then just after I started my junior year, she got mad at me. Why? I was annoying her. I only did that because I wanted her attention. I broke down and cried (not infront of her). I was devastated, destroyed and broken down. I always hated it when people tease me about her. Not because I don't love her, because I'll miss her more. @ Christmas Eve, she texted me : "Musta?" I was like: "Bakit mo ako tinext? kala ko galit na galit ka saaken?" she replied with: "Di na ako galit sayo. Pinapatawad na kita." I was overjoyed. I didn't know what to think. I replied: "...thank you" she replied: "Merry Christmas." Then we chatted for hours til Christmas came. I got my Christmas wish. It was her to forgive me. We were talking a lot during the holidays and then school started again. I was very excited to see her again but.. I couldn't drag myself to do so. I was paralyzed with the same fear. Rejection. February came. The month of hearts. I greeted her a Happy Valentines Day. she replied with: ":']" I used my imagination and thought that was an infatuation. Of course I know it wasn't true but,.. I went on thinking it was. Just to feel a little loved, I was living a lie. I just couldn't embrace the world. As of now, I'm typing this post because I love her very much. I would give up anything everything. I'd really throw it all away.